Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Yay, me!

This will be my first year doing NaNoWriMo, so I'll see how it goes...wish me luck!

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Leave Britney Alone?

I was watching some videos online tonight and saw something that hit home in a completely new way. You know on YouTube, where there's that "related videos" sidebar showing other videos with similar subjects or matching keywords? Just using that sidebar can sometimes get you across a wide range of subject matter. It's a valuable tool-you can find what you're looking for without knowing it.

Anyway, one of the "related videos" I ended up clicking on was "Someday (I Will Understand)" by Britney Spears. And what struck me was that she clearly had such high hopes for being a wife and mother. She was deliriously happy with her husband, she was about to have her first child (which was something she had talked about wanting since the early days of her career) and her life looked great.

From there I clicked on the interview she did with Matt Lauer in 2006. At that point the downward spiral was beginning. She was under criticism for her parenting, her marriage was clearly on the rocks (no matter how vehemently she denied it) and you could see the edges starting to fray on her entire world.

I'm not saying the girl was perfect. She shouldn't have driven with her baby in her lap, for one thing. She did make some big mistakes. But what mother can honestly say they haven't made some big mistakes themselves? How many of our kids have never fallen off a chair and banged their heads? How many of us have never tripped or stumbled with a child in our arms and come close to dropping them? Really, it's not something we as mothers like to talk about, but the reality is that we all do it. We trip, we bump into things, our kids fall down, and accidents happen. Of course, this is very upsetting. Even the tiniest accident involving one of our children is typically enough to send us into panic mode, rushing to the emergency room and bawling our eyes out. We try to prevent accidents, and when they happen we try to fix them.

The difference? Our accidents happen when no one else is looking. Britney's happened in front of a whole world full of cameras. And because people like to criticize others to make themselves feel better, she became ZOMG TEH WORST MOM EVARS!!! Honestly, when I saw the video of her tripping and almost dropping the baby, I thought "heh, I did that too. Poor girl looks traumatized." But evidently the masses thought, "BURN HER WHARBLEGARBL!!"

Fast forward a bit. Obviously I wasn't there, and I don't have a psychology degree, but I do have some strong opinions about what happened to Britney based on what I read. Basically, she married a douchebag. He left his other girlfriend with a small child and another on the way as soon as a bigger bank account and more potential for fame came along. Then he bled Britney dry. Clearly the girl was emotionally fragile to begin with. She just wanted a normal life, a husband and kids, and she made some bad choices in her quest to find that. Kevin saw that she was easy prey, and as soon as the babies came and the constant flow of touring income stopped, he started looking elsewhere. It seems that the general public was all too quick to forget the headlines from a couple of years ago- articles about Kevin partying without his wife, doing all kinds of drugs, running around with other women and leaving Britney holding the diaper bag.

What would a normal, non-famous woman with pre-existing emotional problems, a family in crisis, two young kids and a philandering husband do? Exactly. She'd probably lose her shit. So Britney got more and more unstable. In the midst of this, her marriage finally fell completely apart and Kevin suddenly decided to try to be a father.

Really? Um, dude, where were you for the last two years or so while your wife was losing her mind? And NOW you want to take care of your kids all by your lonesome? Nice work.

So the ensuing custody battle destroyed what little remained of Britney's grip on sanity. Which I think we can all agree is reasonable. If the whole world watched while my fuckwad of an ex-husband tried to take away the children he had wanted nothing to do with until it suited his purposes, I'd snap too.

To recap: girl with emotional issues marries gold-digging backup dancer with deadbeat dad history. He emotionally destroys her, then uses her emotional state as leverage in his divorce and custody suits. Girl is thoroughly discredited and has lost the family she so badly wanted, asshat looks like good guy.

Does anyone else see the problem here?

Now, I have no intention of becoming the next Chris Crocker. (Who is actually pretty great, btw.) I'm just saying maybe the girl deserves a bit of a break. And all of this hit home for me because I realized that I've been a victim of the same bad attitudes, on a much smaller scale.

You see, there was recently a certain group of people at work with whom I did not get along at all. I'll call them Sara, Danielle and Holly. These people knew that I was dealing with some issues from my past, undergoing treatment for depression and anxiety, and generally in a bad emotional place. They used this knowledge to pick at me constantly, provoking me until I snapped. The "snap" could take any form from crying at work to yelling at the perpetrators. Once I had snapped, they would run to other people saying, "see, look, she's unstable." This led to me being largely discredited at work, which led in part to the series of events ending with my six week hiatus.

This is all on my mind because I have to go back to work next week. I don't want to, I'm not ready. But financially, we just don't have a choice. I need a way to deal with this behavior, because I know it's going to continue. I've spent over a year trying to get it to stop, or trying to just ignore it and carry on with my day, but nothing has worked. These are the office "mean girls." Their whole MO centres around "plausible deniability." They would never do anything to me while any authority figures are around, so it's impossible for me to prove anything. I'm just completely lost.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008


Approximately 2 years ago....

Everyone I ever talked to: ZOMG that lonelygirl15 stuff is soooooo awesome! I don't even care that it's fake, it just totally rules my world.

Me: That's silly. It sounds kind of....hm, how do I hang an air freshener on this...RETARDED.


The Great And Powerful FARK
: lonelygirl15 is now some kind of sci-fi drama epic.

Me: *curious* *clicky* *follows links to original lonelygirl15 stuff and watches from Season 1* ............ OH MY GOD IT IS LIKE INTARWEB HEROIN. FOR RLZ.

I have just watched the first 100 and some episodes in a night. JUST HOOK IT INTO MY VEINS!!!!!!

Friday, September 19, 2008

Nursing some reopened wounds.

I've spent a large part of the last month or so being mauled by my past. It's not a pleasant experience, I can tell you that. If I were feeling a bit more optimistic and hippie-social worker-flaky, I'd say it's been "a learning experience" or "a chance to develop myself more as a person." But as it is, I'll say it's been an exercise in torture and sleep deprivation.

The main issue has been that I have finally begun to see how my "childhood" (I use the term loosely) contributed to my current state of being completely fucked up. Being treated so abominably led me to honestly hate myself and have zero self-respect, and to behave accordingly.

Now, a lot of people like to talk shit about women who "have no self respect." They like to make it seem as though this state of being is a choice. And maybe for some it is. But for the rest of us, who came by this self-loathing naturally, being condescended to and looked down upon doesn't do any damned good. You will not "fix"' us by trying to shame us into changing. Saying to a person who is in a fragile emotional state and making bad decisions as a result, "you just need to learn some self respect" in the same self-righteous tone you would use when telling your deadbeat brother-in-law that he "just needs to try harder to find a job" does much more harm than good. Now we're damaged from whatever robbed us of our self respect in the first place, probably blaming ourselves for that event, and on top of all of that you've made us feel guilty for not just pulling up our socks and figuring it all out already. Thanks, dickweeds.

It felt really good to get that out of my system. :D

But for all my "I shouldn't be made to feel guilty, it's not all my fault" rhetoric, I DO blame myself. Not so much for being abused and mistreated in the first place-though there's still a bit of residual guilt there. No, the worst of it is feeling guilty for having behaved the way I have for the past number of years. I have made some truly awful decisions in my life. Never mind that I'm starting to realize that I honestly don't know any other way to behave, and I'm trying to learn proper conduct from scratch in a lot of areas. I still feel like I should have figured it out on my own, and that I'm weak and stupid for finally "giving in" and starting treatment with antidepressants and therapy.

I can't sleep. I can't eat properly. Sure, I cram some food in my face once in a while, but it only occasionally stays down. And as a result, my diabetes is way the fuck out of control. I'm off work for at least a month on doctor's orders. And the thought of even walking into the building to deliver the doctor's note and arrange for sick leave benefits sends me into the kind of panic attack that leaves me locked in the bathroom, clutching my chest and crying, hoping that it's not actually a heart attack this time and trying not to let my family see how much of a mess Mommy is. Even now, my other half is peacefully sleeping under the impression that the reason I can't sleep is that I had a nap while he was at work and threw off my schedule. I'm lying better every day. And I don't like that. I've lied too much because of exactly the stuff that's killing me right now. To my teachers ("I walked into a wall"), social workers ("Like I told the teacher, I walked into a wall. I'm so clumsy."), doctors ("I just don't have much of an appetite lately. Mom's not taking away my food."), and even the police ("Oh, no, what the neighbors heard was me fighting with my sister. You know how kids are. Certainly not Mom kicking the fuck out of me for the twelfth time this week. That's crazy talk."). About a year ago, I stopped being able to pretend to be fine. As a result, I'm known to most people as "the crazy one." And in the last few weeks I've stopped being able to pretend to enjoy that reputation. I'm just exhausted and I want it to stop.

Monday, August 4, 2008


We spent the early afternoon driving home from a family reunion. It was only about a two hour drive, but I honestly wish it could have been longer. It was one of those summer days that embody everything beautiful about Saskatchewan. The sky was spotted with cumulus clouds that floated in layers across that endless blue sea. Some of them seemed to hang so low that they were just begging you to try to jump up and touch them. The wind was strong enough to keep the fields in constant motion, grass and grain like a tidal wave against the gravel roads, but not so strong that the dust became overwhelming. I was more excited to be alive than I have been in a long time.

I really wanted to get something written down about how beautiful today was before I completely crashed. I'm absolutely exhausted from all the activity of the weekend, so now it's off to bed for me.